Some events are so jarring yet compelling that they need to be documented for posterity (or catharsis. This is one of those events. Behold, the most harrowing tale of a bowel movement you will ever read (non-vagrant edition).
“Last night, in order to break the monotony of this self-quarantined period, a couple friends and I sat down to play some good old-fashioned Beerio Kart. If you’re not familiar, Beerio Kart is an excellent drinking game where one has to finish their beer before they finish a race in Mario Kart. The gimmick is that there’s no drinking and driving, so you have to stop racing before you can drink, and vice versa. It’s a great way to get pretty blasted pretty fast — which, of course, I did.
I subsequently woke up pretty early this morning, as I tend to do after a night of drinking, and was a bit hungover so I couldn’t get back to sleep. As a result, I decided to make myself a pretty greasy breakfast to beat the hangover — bacon, eggs, and coffee. This, dear reader, is where I fucked up. Unbeknownst to me, the combination of a substantial amount of beer, the greasy food, and the cup of shitty instant coffee began to brew together in an unholy maelstrom in my stomach.
I was in the midst of writing an email when I felt the grumbling and pressure that indicated that a crap was imminent. But, being the stubborn person I was, I really wanted to finish the email before I went to the bathroom. Unfortunately, it happened to be a pretty long email. When I was all but done, I felt the pressure in my intestines quickly shift from, “hey, toilet please” to “GET THE FUCK IN THE BATHROOM RIGHT NOW!” Fortunately for me, the bathroom was immediately adjacent to my room, or else I would have shit myself. Unfortunately for me, I had drastically underestimated the necessity of this shit.
I have never had a rocket take off from my asshole, but I imagine the sensation would be similar to what I experienced while in the bathroom. As soon as I sat down on the toilet, I felt this excrement leave my bowels at mach speed, making a noise like a gunshot. Never before have I had a shit this intense, and in the first half a second, I was almost proud of myself. However, the toilet had also clearly never experienced such an atrocity, nor had been made for it. As soon as my shit hit the toilet water, it triggered what I can only describe as a tsunami. Now, we have all had shits that have caused our asses to be splashed with toilet water. While unpleasant, it is not much more than an inconvenience. However, this shit caused the water to literally splash up and out of the toilet, spraying not only my ass, but my hands, pants, the toilet seat, and the bathroom floor as well. Because my shit was not wholly solid, this meant that everything was literally covered in fecal matter.
I have now scoured everything, thrown all my clothes in the wash, and taken a very, very long shower, but I may never feel clean again.“